This is the eight week I have been unable to get out of bed. It has been six days since I was at wound care. I will be at wound care in eight days. A wound care specialist comes to my house Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I get up at 8 or 9AM. I have tea and fruit or breakfast, I eat lunch at noon, dinner at 6PM. This schedule is set in stone, deviations rare. I live in short an exceedingly dull, routine life. I despise this schedule and my temporary dependence. I feel as though my life is crushing to my spirit. I have trouble concentrating and overcome by a sense of hopelessness. I thus feel very much like a sailor from an era gone by that was stuck in the doldrums. No wind equaled no power. No power equaled no progress. I am likewise powerless though healing.
I suspect I am experiencing what a marathoner goes through half way through a race. I am guessing my wounds are at the half way point to being healed. I know the worst is behind me. My mind knows this but my heart is a different matter. My heart is filled with woe. Gosh, what a fucking baby I am. I am blessed with a great family and while I complain about insurance I did learn my entire hospital stay was covered--minus $160 for the television. Without this coverage I would be broke--hence health insurance in this country has become house and bankruptcy insurance. This knowledge does not make me feel better. I know I am the unusual paralyzed person. I have adequate insurance and enough work. I have a large family that provides economic help when needed, as in helping pay for uncovered medical expenses. These are luxuries few other people enjoy. How then do I have the right to feel the way I do? I simply don't. I tell this to myself again and again. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it does not. Today such a mantra is not working. Nothing is helping aside from posting these words on the internet. What a weird world we occupy. Here I am alone in front of a machine, utterly reliant on technology. Yet, what do I miss? Humanity, ah the dialectics of modern social life.
