Last night was very bad. I found blood on my sheets and had a sleepless night filled with worry. Wound care came this morning and found a small tear likely from sheer on my right butt. The wound, though small and superficial, is still a significant worry. I am sitting very little, transferring with extreme caution and yet still having trouble. This makes me wonder what will happen when I am an older man (note the use of the word older). What got to me last night was the fear--fear of the future. For good reason, I have been fearful of skin problems and avoided serious complications. I was proud of this as I knew once such problems arise solving them is a time consuming process. I have now learned this in a visceral way. I am after all these months spent. I am tired, sick of my home, desperate for the ordinary and active life I once had. It has been months since I was outside my home. Sure I have seen various doctors and hospitals but not seemingly normal everyday activities. I wonder if I will ever return to that ordinary life. I cried last night for that loss.
As for my wound, last week wound care appointment was a bust. The doctor following my care could not see me. A surgical emergency came up. Bad timing for sure but those things happen. Perhaps I am more philosophical than most as I know when I was a sick kid I recked many schedules. Tomorrow I see a big time plastic surgeon in New York City. I have avoided seeing these men and women my entire life and must confess to being biased against the field. Any surgery I have had in my life was forced--as in I had no choice and any surgical result could only improve my quality of life. Thus I find it hard to fathom any choosing to do any sort of elective surgical procedure. We will see what the surgeon has to say but I know one thing for sure--he will say surgery. It is what surgeons do. I do not know if this is the right or wrong thing to do. I am going to have to rely on the plastic surgeon and doctor who has followed my care to make that determination. This is a huge leap of faith. I am not good at leaps of faith or trusting others. Here though I have no choice. I have done my research online, know how to have an educated conversation but when push comes to shove I am going to rely on the opinion of the doctors. How I wish I was not in this position. Wishing this is a waste of time. I need to deal with reality. How I deal with that reality has varied greatly in the last few months. A true emotional roller coaster this wound care business is.
